People say time is a healer

I'm yet to believe that. Im currently 7 and a half months in. She's been gone for almost as long as I knew she was coming. For me, now its hard. You cant ever put into words how losing your child feels. People can say they can only imagine how it feels. Its not imaginable to most though, even someones wildest imagination wouldnt come close.

I miss her every second of everyday. Everything in everyday life reminds me of her and that shes not here. Im scared, scared of my own life. I have gone through a million feelings. those of anger, bitterness, hatred and pure breaking heart. That expression is often used in life, but I trully believe our hearts have been broken and will never be fixed. The physical pain of grief is overwhelming, my arms hurt to hold her, my chest gets tights, I get short of breath, grief is pain. i find myself having panice attacks, especially if Im out and there are lots of people I hate it, or if Im responsible for people like driving my car with passengers, my life is upside down.

But life goes on, well certainly for everyone else. Over the last few months I've realised the trivial problems people moan about, people taking advantage of their children, moaning about their lives. I'd swap with any of them. The calls and concern fades as our loss becomes a memory for others when for me its at the forefront of my mind and fresh as the morning I woke up in hospital without her.

I wish I could describe our loss better but there really are NO words.

I have 1 thing that I get up for, my boyfriend, his love keeps me alive, his love and passion for our lives together makes me carry on. I pray I will make him proud and fulfull our family one day. He is my life, and I thank every day I have him in my life and for giving me my daughter Summer.