A new job...

So here I am 8 months on and starting a new job. Financially I have to go back to work, some days I think I'm ready. Others I don't. I told my boss about Summer (not in any great detail but just so he was aware) prior to me starting.

I've now completed my first week and a half. My first few days were ok, everyone is really friendly I even felt comfortable enough to tell 2 girls on my team about Summer, so they new incase I burst into tears it wasnt them or the job! After a couple of days of being back in the real world, I feel like I'm back at square one, only with someone constantly sticking a knife in me to add to my pain. My concentration is poor, I day dream alot mainly about what I should be doing. How do I stop this? How do I regain some control of my mind? Right now I can't. The girls are lovely and I like listenning them worrying about things, weight, money, clothes etc until I found myself wanting to scream at them, 'have you forgotten what I told you?' None of that is relevant, it seems so minor and irrelevant in MY world. Which I'm aware is probably a completely selfish thought, nevertheless I have it.

I question myself why am I sitting alone in an office doing e-learning? I should be in the garden with my 8 month old baby feeding her home cooked dinners, I should be visiting my friends and my family with her and generally enjoying life. All of the things I assumed I would be doing?  I'm completely surrounded by it I dont have any friends who aren't pregnant/have babies/children so what do i do? Where do I go? If I dont see or speak to people then, then surely they'll feel sorry for me or pitty me? Which makes me angry, I'm wondering if it does that to anyone else?

Anyway I like that I'm being treated 'normal' but at the same time its like people havent taken what Ive said seriosuly? i cant be normal can I? I want to cry every minute of the day. I cant concentrate and I just dont have the passion they have for the job like they do?!? I would of......once upon a time.

Everytime I get something wrong or don't understand it, it brings everything back, that I feel useless and that I can't do anything right? It's all so frustrating, I really feel I'm in a horrendous nightmare, which is actually my life. I won't wake up and this will go away, I won't wake up missing her any less or suddenly being excited about life so what happens now? What next?

I also find that the calls stop, the text messages, the thoughts because people are carrying on with their lives and looking after their babies, like I should be. This makes me really sad, I know how I would treat someone who lost their baby and I havent been treated the same. Don't get me wrong people are sad for us. But I found people rally round at the beginning, surrounding all the drama so they can say theyve been there etc etc but where are they now? If I dont answer my phone then keep ringing, I've learnt so much about people over these painful 8 months, I lost friends and gained friends. I do know that if they're not really in my life now, there's a reason, and I didnt need them anyway.