The next thing I remember is starting to wake up, before I could even think I was aware of servere pain from the c section, I hadnt had an epidural, now I know I was actually only asleep for about an hour and a half. Then I heard a baby cry, I was scared to ask but I thought it must be my little girl and she's ok!
I asked the midwife where's my baby? They told me she was very poorly which I found hard to understand, how was she poorly I was at the hospital that morning and she'd been wriggling around all night?? I couldnt really take this in. All I wanted was my partner, where is he? They told me he was putting on this scrubs and would be in. I cant really give too much details about the next few hours, all I remember is them telling me she was being transfered for a proceedure called 'cooling' to prevent any further damage, I was extremely confused by it all. I was full term and my baby was healthly what the hell went wrong and why? I remember drifting in and out of conciousness and being in a lot of pain, shock and completely high on pain releif. One vivid memory is looking at the clock it was ten to two in the morning and I thought to myself: My Mum thinks i'm in bed but ive had my baby and no one has any idea whats going on. I remember phoning my Mum from recovery still with an oxygen mask on and saying ive had the baby but they've told me shes going to die. My Mums reaction was to shout "what do you mean? What are you telling me? have you had the baby?"
Again the order of things maybe very jumbled but Im writing as I remember. They told me it took 24 minutes to get her heart beating, from then I knew it was bad, thats too long for anyone let alone a baby. They told me she was alive and being looked after but she had only 5% chance of survival and IF she survived she would have servere brain damage. What the hell? How did it all go wrong? I was so desperate to see her all that time of waiting, so they brought me a picture and my first reaction was OMG she's huge, she weighed 8lb 5oz and was covered in tubes and machines, my poor little baby, what had she been going through without us? I was alone at this point as they had just taken my boyfriend up to meet our daughter. When he came back down to me I could clearly see the sadness and distress in his eyes. She had had a cardiac arrest when he was with her and they had ushered him out of the room, so her heart failed it was weak, but she kept fighting and they got an output again. He sat with me and we tried to talk, he said he thought we shouldnt have her transferred as there was a high chance she wouldnt make it to the other hospital and then she would be alone.
They told us her outcome was very bleak and she had been through so much in only a few hours we decided together not to transfer her as there was never going to be a positive outcome and we wanted to be with her.
They got me into a wheelchair to take me up to see our baby, this should of been the happiest moment of my life and that couldnt of been further from the truth. I felt extremely ill and was in alot of pain and trying to get my head around what was going on. I never had a sense of shock as I never believed I would be a Mummy because Im not that lucky, I felt like Id been waiting the whole time for someone to tell me something bad and now they had, as if my gut new.... this is the most fearful feeling.
On the way up to see her my heart and my head were crying but I couldnt physically cry because of the pain and I wanted to I felt like I should of been and I needed to. I went into a room with a bed, I was boiling hot I felt like I was going to pass out, I was asking them to open all the windows and they told me it would be too cold and they were bringing the baby in. I found this strange you've just told me my baby isnt going to survive what does it matter how cold the room is?? I felt adjitated, scared, disappointed. This wasnt how it was meant to be? Why my baby? Why us? I sat on the bed and they brought her in attached to a breathing machine which was keeping her alive. I honestly cant remember at that point what I was thinking .....
They handed me my baby, my little girl who I had waited so long for, my first thought was how do I know this is my baby? She was in a hospital baby grow, hospital hat and blanket. I rememeber starring at her she didnt look like either of us? (I dont know what I was expecting) and she was lifeless, I held her and put my finger in her hand only she didnt grip my finger. She had a tube in her mouth pulled tight across her cheeks. Then all of a sudden I thought i was going to throw up and I handed her to my partner "please take her take her". I looked at him the most wonderful man I had ever met, who I knew was going to be the best Daddy anyone could ever wish for, holding his baby who wasnt going to survive, I felt like I'd let him down he'd been dragged into my world of bad luck. I saw the sadness on his face and my heart was slowly shattering.
It still felt very surreal, my thoughts were random, what am I going to do with her pram? her cot? her beautiful nursery? I'll have to go to work again? When I should of been cherishing those moments my mind was all over the place.
We new the machine was keeping her alive, we made the decision to take her off the machine and let her rest. I was adamant I didnt want them to do this in front of me, what if she cries or gasps for breath? So they took her away and took us back down to the labour ward. We were put in a room, it was now about 6am then she was back with us. She is still alive the consultant told us , but they didnt know how long for, she told us to cal them back in when we were ready. She went to hand my little girl to me. I couldnt hold her, I was petrified, what if she fights to breath? Gasps? Suffocates alomst? So she went to her Daddy, he did it for us, he held her while she fell asleep forever. So brave, so strong, considerate, caring and loving he stood there with her. Again I dont know what I was thinking at that point, I rememeber the room being dark and it was really quiet in there. It wasnt long until he looked at me, I knew that meant she'd gone. Our baby had gone forever. I felt like I could then hold her, because nothing could ever hurt her again now all the bad had happened.
I held her, I looked at every bit of her, she had lots of hair and I think it would of been curly just like her Daddys. I kissed, I told her I was so sorry for not being able to keep her safe, I told her how much i loved her, I dont know if she heard me and I dont know if she'll ever know how much we love her to this day. We took pictures of her, her hair, her hands, her feet, everthing. I changed into her own clothes and blanket, she was so big just in her nappy, so perfect, so pretty and so still. We cuddled her together me and my partner, we both toucher her and kissed her. My mind was telling me not to make this any worse that it had to be, we couldnt keep her, we had to give her back, we spent about an hour with her just the 3 of us and then called for them to take her, we wrapped her in her pink blanket, with a little pink teddy to stay with her. If i was told now in a 'normal' state of mind to give her back, I couldnt do it. There was never going to be a time where we thought Ummm ok we've had enough now you could take her. So i knew it had to be sooner rather than later.
