I felt it time to write another blog. I don't write this get pitty or sympathy, I write this for 2 reasons 1) it helps me, writing is theraputic 2) If just 1 other person can relate to this and know how they feel is not alone, its done more than I could of hoped.
I dont want my posts to always be sad and always be about how I'm coping with life after Summer however that is my life and I don't think or feel anything else.
Next week its 9 months since we lost Summer in all honesty the pain is just a raw, just as real.
Since I last blogged there isn't much to tell, apart from work has become more 'normal' for me I find it quite easy to 'act' normal at work and just get on with it......then usually breakdown when I get home or at the weekends. The strangest thing I have found is that I feel a huge detachment from Summer since being at work, I feel partly how I used to be, and I don't like it. It's like she didn't exist, it's like I'm showing everyone I'm ok now and I'm not and those thoughts make me sad and angry.
Grieving, well grieving for a child is the most god awful lonely place I can safetly say I have ever been, I have an amazing family around me and a handful of consistantly caring friends and the most brave and amazing boyfriend I could ask for, yet when I'm at rock bottom I feel like the only person in the entire world. What do you do when you feel that sad and that grief stricken, pick up the phone? Who to? What do I say? Most of the time, I wish people new the signs, new the subtle calls of help that I'm not coping but the reality is they don't. Because people have their own lives, as any other angel parent will say, you dont ever expect anyone to stop their lives and wallow in your grief BUT I do expect patience, empathy, a text, a phone call to let me know they haven't forgotten about Summer or about my suffering. I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I wasn't here? Would people have the conversations like "Oh I wish I'd called her more or I wish she called me to tell mehow she felt?" I bet they would. I personally find it hard to talk about my feelings, and I find people have become bored of trying to phone me or bored of talking about my tragedy. When people ask are you ok? Do they actually want the real answer? 9 times out of 10 they don't.......
On lighter note, I have 3 things I'm grateful for since my last blog, Chris & I visited the neonatal unti as the equipment we brought with the donations in memory of Summer had been delivered. We met with the Neonatal unit manager, the journalist for the hospital website/newsletter and Summer paediatric consultant. It was so overwhelming to see the equipment all brand new, ready to help some other babies in their time of need, with a beautiful shiny gold plaque 'In loving memory of Summer' I felt proud as we both did. I also went into intensive care unit, where Summer had been treated, I'd never been in their before and I wanted to go, yet as soon as I opened the doors a wave of saddnes from my feet rushed through me and took my breath that I gasped out loud and broke down. I really wasnt expecting that, and I had no warning, I pulled myself together and the consultant took to me where Summer had been, I felt some comfort to be in a place where our daughter had been, alive, I felt a closeness to her, like she was sat with me, keeping me strong xx
The 2nd thing, my new nephew Frankie he was born 2 weeks ago, I was so nervous and anxious as the day approached, but his arrival didn't make me sad I loved him instantly my only sadness was that he and his cousin wouldn't grow up together, and all of the cards and presents and wonderful messages, I wish we had got those, I wish I knew on that day how my sister and her husband were feeling xx
The 3rd thing is the support I've had from an angel mummy, she has become a good friend and I only met her because we both have beautful angel girls, she sent me this message:
This has changed me completely, as a person and is changing my world, including the company I keep, I'm sure its my angels way of touching my life an trying to make it better for me, in time Summer will do the same for you when your ready and when your strong enough. Remember you an angel mummy, such a special person and she chose you for reasons you will see in time. We have something other people could never imagine having an angel by our side forever.... Sometimes I look at the state of the world and trully believe they were too special for this earth and are in another place waiting for us.
That alone gave me light on one of my darkest days yet.
I love you my angel, each day that ends is a day I'm closer to being with you, always in my heart xxx
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