Do I believe in Angels?

The answer is no. Well I didn't believe in Angels.

When Summer died, I tried everyday to believe in Angels, I look for signs, feel for feelings she's with me, look for feathers..... but if the truth be known, I didn't believe any of it.

I find it's something people say to you, to comfort you, things like 'you have a guardian angel now, she will never leave you, she will always be with you' My reaction to that in my heart is - What a load of crap! Where was my guardian angel, at my time of need? Why did no one save Summer for me? I don't want an Angel I want our daughter here. How can she be with me? I don't get signs, sometimes at my lowest points I call out to her to help me, to make me believe she is with me, but nothing. To be fair, I have found white feathers, here and there, in strange places and I have kept everyone of them, through hope I think.

After the last we though, this has changed.

People often say that what has happened to you in your life, determines how you deal with bad/unfair/tragic/sad things that happen to you. I'm not saying my life has been any tougher than the next persons but i've had more than my fair share, so when Summer died and ever since life has seemed pointless, cruel, worthless?? It made me afraid of the world, of whats coming next? Who else is going to die? What else is going to happen to me? I wondered how I would cope with anymore sadness. Well last week something bad happened...

A friend of mine - not a close friend, yet someone I would call a friend died. Tragically, unexpectedly and very unfairly. As soon as I heard this tragic news, I was hysterical, every bit of hurt and pain I felt from Summer hit me all over again, I couldn't catch my breath, I thought of her family, her sister, her daughter the painful journey that they are all about to start and my heart broke all over again. My friend who died, is one of 3 three sisters (like me) and they are all my friends, all were very supportive when Summer died, and those people everyone who supported me will never be forgotten. She was the life and soul of a party, very funny, sweet, hard working and great Mum to her 2 year old daughter.

What makes this more real for me is that 4 days before she died, I saw her, me and my boyfriend, very randomly, we walked down a street we weren't meant to be going down and there she was one the phone. Oh god I thought, I can't do this. I hadnt seen her since Summer died and I still get very anxious when I'm out and see people I'm not expecting to see. 'i'll phone you back, i've just seen my friend' is what she said. She kissed me......about 20 times and squeezed me tight and said how sad she was for us and how sorry she was, I then cried. I hate crying in front of people because I don't want to make them uncomfortable but she just squeezed me some more, and my boyfriend and told us to 'stick together' and she would see us soon. With that we turned around and walked back the way we always should of gone. We went for dinner and spoke about her, about how geniune she was when talking to us, some people ignore what happened, or feel uncomfortable but she didn't. We discussed it was starnge that she told us to stick together  (we'd been having a bit of a bicker which is not like us) I wonder why she said that we thought. That was the end of our conversation and we went to watch the Inbetweeners. Hilarious by the way!

Now she's gone. Why didn't I die that day? It would of made more sense surely? I would go to heaven with my daughter and she wouldn't of been seperated from her gorgeous daughter? It made me think. There's a reason it wasnt me. Maybe I was meant to be here. Maybe there is a reason for everything, I still don't know what that is, but I'm working on it.

Since that day for the first time in 9 months I felt ready to live again, ready to take whats next and that is something I lost all faith in. I get up and I feel a bit normal and I realise it's ok to feel a bit normal. I look to the future for the first time and I'm ready to live my life. I cherish every moment, I chersih every person. You never know when that split second your life will be over or turned upside down and ripped apart. I'm trying to enjoy things. I try to visualize my dream again.
I will never ever forget Summer, and I still think of her every minute of every day and the hurt is still there, I would give anything to have her here with me sitting up, laughing, playing, to cuddle her and kiss her endlessly and be a family. Summer is our family, we are 3, she is our first born and will always be. I am so proud of that and of how beautiful and perfect she was a mix of us both, something I did right, Summer. Our hearts will always have a piece missing and we will cry for her always until we get to hold her again.

I think my friend was my angel but my earth angel, it's because of her that I want to carry on she has given this back to me. we were meant to see her that day, and she was meant to say what she said. She was so sad for us and now we are so sad for her and all her beautiful family. I think of her all the time and I didn;t know her that well. I think she will hold Summer for me and give her love. I hope to be able to give her daughter some love too. I have a feeling around me, a warmth especially a night and I think it's Summer.

Ask me now - Do I believe in angels? Yes