Almost a year

As Summers 1st Birthday approaches I found myself wanting to write something. The last few weeks have been shall I say eye opening? Challenging? The answer is both.

As the dreaded day draws closer I find myself feeling extremely reflective over the last year and I think thats what I want to write about.

I wonder how different my life would be today if she had made it? Who would still be in my life? Who wouldnt be in my life?

Friends what is a friend? What is my expectation of a friend? Maybe its too high.

I honestly can not believe how many friends AND some family I have lost this last year for one reason or another. I find that grief doesn't always fit into other peoples lives. I have fallen out with people because I've expressed my dissappointment in their reactions to our tradegy. I found people took offense and got defensive to MY upset?? I know how I have reacted in the past to peoples loss or pain and expected the same in return? Which  hasnt been the case and it has upset me, people say try not to let it get to you but how can it not? These people are meant to be my friends, theyre meant to be there in times of need so why werent they? What had I done for them not to want to be there for me?
One 'friend' most recently said to be that she couldnt believe I hadn't been to see her and that I should put myself in someone elses shoes for a change?!?! Even as I write that I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think it proves how niaeve and selfsih people can be? I would love to be in anyones shoes but mine? How dare someone say that to me?
I honestly find it so hugely upsetting and it makes me angry right in pit of my stomach that people can be so selfish? It's like a fire burning inside of me, and this is my release - to write about it. I believe people just get bored, I can hear people saying now "I mean I know she lost her baby but" - well there is NO but, that is it, that is how horrific it is. There is no name for a parent who loses a child and when all of these people have caused me upset this last year, the hardest year of my life, the saddest and most painful yet people have added to my upset and my pain and my hurt and I still can't believe it it saddens me deeply and I find it so hard to accept because I havent purposely done anything to hurt any of these people and I know had they been in my situation I would of been there for them.

People dont understand and I dont expect people to but Id like them to try, and if my actions or my grief offends them/upsets them then please bite your tongue? I am grieving. That is it. I know I will never forgive these people I can't I've been hurt too much. I really think it is unforgiveable and anyone who doesnt understand that I dont want in my life. These people are the last people on earth I would of expected to let me down but they have. I have come to the conclusion that if I have parted company its because thats the way its meant to be. Because of Summer and losing her made these events happen over the last year.

Which leads me on to amazing people, mainly my family my Mum and my 2 sisters they are the only people who have never let me down. And an angel Mum I have met because of Summer, she is always there for me anytime of day or night and always helps me get through the days. There are also a handful of friends who have constantly been in touch this last year and already on the approach to her birthday I am beginning to get cards and flowers from some very special people, people who I least expected to stick by be and show true kindness. Again there are some people who havent even bothered to contact me at this difficult time.

Most importantly is my other half. I have never met anyone like him. What a strength and inspiration he is to me every single day. He keeps me alive, he gives me hope, he gives me a feeling of safety, when Im with him I feel warm and comforted even as I write this I instantly feel de stressed from the above paragraph I just wrote. I will forever be in his debt, I thank every single day how lucky I am to have him in my life, how lucky Summer should be to have him as a Daddy. A trully amazing man.

This has without a doubt been the hardest year of my life and I'm still not sure when this hurt and difficulty will get easier. I look back and I feel proud. I'm proud we managed to make such a gorgeous little girl.
I'm proud as a couple we have got eachother through this and come out the other side much stronger than most. I am proud of how strong my family have been for me. I am extremely proud that we raised over £4000 for our hospital and Summer has subsequently helped save other babies. I am proud that I managed to get a new job, I proud that I can get up everyday and go to work and be 'normal'. I am proud that Summers Dad got an amazing promotion at work. I'm proud that we have stuck together.

So it's Summers birthday next week we have lovely day planned surrounded by the people who care, followed by a weekend away. I am dreading the day. Already these last few weeks have been so difficult, the cold weather, the dark nights, the smells, Halloween, bonfire night, programmes on the TV all so familiar to this time last year. And I think we had no idea of this huge brick wall we were about to hit that would change our lives forever.

I wonder weather happy times and moments will forever be tarnished with deep saddness that whatever we do things will never ever be as they should.

I wonder what Summer would look like now? Would she be walking? What food would she like? Would I be having tame her massive amount of hair hahaha! What food would she like?

I miss her every second I am awake, I hate that our house is quiet, I hate that our house is tidy, I hate that I am back in a full time job, most of all I hate that her beautiful nursery still smells brand new, that the cot matress has  never been used, that things are still in the packaging.

I know I have changed but thats life and its my life and from now on I will be kind to myself without fear of upsetting anyone.

If only I could turn back time.................