I made it!

So I haven't blogged for a few months and felt it was time too so here goes........

My last post was approaching Summer's birthday - you'll be pleased to know I made it! I made it through the day, and I made it through much easier than I thought. The approach to her birthday was much harder than the day, for the weeks building up to it I felt awful, pre-occupied, emotional, tense and very anxious. When I woke up on what should of been a beautiful day with my beautiful girl I felt extreme sadness of what should of been. I was very aware I wanted the day to be about her and her existence and I needed to be grateful for meeting her. My mind took control for the rest of the day, we went to her memorial garden with family and did a balloon release I hope she saw them, then we went for lunch, it was very busy with our family and all the children, it's really important for me for my nephews and goddaughter to always remember her and for her to always be part of their lives and having them there helped me to stay strong.

The next day we drove to the new forrest for the weekend to get away from noramilty and spend time to together - when that evening the most amazing man asked me to marry him! Such a special moment and I felt so warm and contented inside. this moment was still tainted by sadness of Summer's absence. I found people being completely over the top and excited about our happy moment, yes 18 months ago I would of been on cloud 9 but the loss of child puts things into perspective yes I really can't wait to marry the man of my dreams and offically piece us together as a family however it had a strange effect on me.......... It put the fear of god into me. What if something happened to him? I nearly got my dream of being a mother and it got taken away?? What if now my dream of being his wife gets taken away too? Maybe I shouldnt get married? maybe I'm pushing my luck? Not sure whether this is normal? But it's how I felt.

Then along came Christmas and I made it through that aswell! Again we decided we could either ignore Christmas or embrace it. We figured ignoring would be quite difficult so we decided to embrace! I put my tree up - We had all of our family for dinner 12 people! It was manic but just how I wanted it. I longed for my baby to be there to be spoiling her and taking lots of pictures and embracing being a Mummy - but I wasn't.

As we approach the end of February I am planning my wedding and I am now feeling much more rational and believing and hoping I get my wedding day.